Clinging

Although, it’s rarely this bad, sometimes, when faced with life’s challenges, it feels like you need to cling to your last shreds of faith, hope or dignity to make it through.  That’s what it feels like to me right now.  It angers me that I’m finding the loss of my job so difficult.

I knew from the moment I accepted the job that it was a grant-funded position and that the grant would be up on September 30. Of course, the hope was that the grant would be renewed.  This hope only grew as we began to see the results it was having in people’s lives.  As I saw hope grow in others, hope also grew in myself.  I touted positive thinking, dreaming, hoping, vision boards, goal setting, and not giving up.

And right now, all those “words of wisdom” are mocking me.  It’s enough to drive a poor girl insane!  One technique I shared with my participants to reduce worry was to imagine the worst case scenario and see how bad it was.  In my own worst case scenario, I foreclose on a condo that I don’t like in the first place and go and live with my Dad whom I love dearly.  That’s really not so bad.  Not that I really want to go down that road if I can help it, but it is one possible scenario and it’s currently the worst one I can think of.  And if that’s the worst thing that could happen right now, I’m pretty darn lucky.

Additionally, this situation possibly opens the door to pursue my dreams.  Perhaps allowing me to do the photography gig full time or at least finding a way to make it a more stable and integrated part of my life.  So, this past week, I’ve pondered about what is making this so hard, when I feel it really shouldn’t be.

It finally came to me last night as I watched a George Clooney (swoon!) movie called “Up In the Air.”   Despite the title, it wasn’t the most uplifting movie I could have watched.  It was a movie about a man (George Clooney) whose job it was to fire people.  He went into companies and cleaned house.  And so, it was full of lines about losing your job.  How it’s an opportunity, yada yada yada.  Well, at some point in the movie it comes up that the loss of a job is equal in life stress to grieving someone. And that’s when it hit me.  Yes, I’m very sad about the job.  But, really, it’s re-opening all the wounds of loss that I’m still healing from – the loss of my mother.

And I’m angry about it.  I feel as though I’ve suffered enough loss recently and this is just one more loss.  And so, despite all the positive thinking and goal setting in the world, no matter what doors of opportunity may or may not open as a result of this so-called “transition”, it still hurts like hell.  And it’s supposed to.  There are no short-cuts through this.  No magic spells, elixirs, or potions will soften the blow.  And so, I simply cling.

I love you, Mom.